“The darkest nights produce the brightest stars.”
— Unknown
I’m in a place where I’m trying to just do for myself. For my mind and my body and just make sure my health is good… Meeting someone new scares me so much I feel like I would fuck it up if someone who was in the right state of mind came along. Does that mean there’s something wrong with me? Someone who is super patient and respectful and as well as teach me a few things and want to push me to be my best self as well as just grow and be positive altogether. It’s fucking weird to me. I’m just not used to it! I know it sounds fucking crazy. My guard
is all the way up. And let me tell you why.. My emotions are not all there because I haven’t had someone touch these wounds and fully understand why I am how I am. I’m just trying to do my thing in the best way that I can. Live stress free… Imagine asking God for specific traits in someone and you revisit those thoughts until someone stands in front of you doing the very things you asked for? Now that’s even more weird.. I don’t do well with these things, I feel like I know my worth but my past really fucks it up for me. I think I’d be the type to really fuck it all up and it’s sucks because I wonder if I am making excuses that it’s not my time or am I really scared to really let go and just be real and just let life do it’s thing. I know I’m not ready for nothing new. That’s a given. A new friend I’ll take it.. Not forcing shit.
I need to just vibe out, do me and just wait and see how our path crosses. Now even over think it. I just know I don’t really know how to deal with my own emotions; the best way I know how to deal is run from them. It’s so nice though I can’t even lie. Bare minimum shit like wow have I really been selling myself short: To be respected, to be treated kindly and taken out and picked up and dropped off for a change. That’s different.. such a freaking gentleman. When someone is so kind, and is real and transparent with you and mad patient as well as seeing them work on themselves and have discipline. I have to admit it’s pretty sexy. Definitely gives someone some points. I haven’t dealt with a person who gives me conversation and has me question my goals and growth as well and just being straight understanding and insightful since.. never. But I’m doing my best to stay in my lane, we’re just friends nothing else too it. That sounds like my best bet to play it safe. Just let things go naturally. I don’t need to get ahead of myself even if I did ask the universe for some of these things.
Today was super spontaneous and I’m not mad at it. This person seems like they just might bring the adventure out of me. Had me doing things I said I’d never do, I never thought I’d do. And even if we’re just friends that’s wassup. I could fuck with it. One thing I learned is that if it’s for you, it will be for you. So hold tight and enjoy the ride.
Back too it. Infusion pt2 #lupuswarrior
I’m going to be honest. Having an autoimmune disease becomes such a big part of who you are and as much as you want to believe you’re this idea of normal, or healthy, your body will remind you that you’re just not like other people and that’s okay. We all come with different types of obstacles in our lives whether we chose to share them or hide them and this one is mine. But I chose to fight every day no matter how long it takes. I’m just thankful that I still get to live the life I choose to live and I learn how to do that daily. Listen to your body. Take care of yourself. There’s only one YOU.
“There’s really no shortcut to forgetting someone. You just have to endure missing them everyday until you don’t anymore.”
— Unknown
I think the wheels fell off..
“When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.”
— Unknown
This….
“I know this transformation is painful but you’re not falling apart; you’re just falling into something different, with a new capacity to be beautiful.”
— William C. Hannan
This is the one.
Only thing I hate about drinking is when I’m upset and my feelings are amplified.. I could cry right now. Literally fighting back tears.
I will never understand how I got here, all I know is that it hurts so bad..
I can’t wait for a time where I won’t cry for a mother fucker who will never do for me like I need him too.
I can’t wait for a time where I’ll never feel for him again. Where he won’t make me weak for him ever again.
I’m just so over crying for a no good piece of shit who will never give me the future I deserve I can’t keep wasting my time waiting on someone to want to do something for themselves let alone us.. I just can’t wait on a mother fucker who doesn’t see how it hurts me so bad to be in love with them and their potential.
I wish I never let someone who I should’ve known would never change back in because he don’t know how much it hurts so much. And I could drop it all for him but I’ll never let myself because I already know where all that would lead me to.
I have so much going for myself and every time I let him in I seem to always jeopardize everything I’ve worked towards. Over what? A temporary feel good feeling. And it feels so good when he’s with me but it always hurts so bad when he’s gone…
I really let him rip open this wound this time when I thought I was finally healed and moved on. I was doing so good till he did that. & I’m just tired of crying and keeping this bottled up.. I’m in the healing process all over again.. and I just feel so fucking stupid because of it.. I guess I did it to myself.
